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December 2nd, 2010

Perhaps the winter blahs...

Man... sometimes even just doing a dead man's float is a challenge.

I am constantly telling myself that it really IS me... that the situation is just fine. That the reason I feel the way I feel is because my tolerance to things has gone.. That because I'm so set in my ways that I'm irritable... that it's my mood swings... or my hormones.... Pick one, or any combination... Add to that list tired... maybe I'm tired.

I need a place to vent and this is it.
What is pissing me off:
When I am stressed about something, please don't remind me of what I have not done. Or try to tell me what I am not doing. I already know, I'm not stupid, I have a fucking calendar and a phone. Thanks.

fuck I can't even write. I need to go to bed or something.

February 28th, 2010

It must be in the air.

Full moon and all that jazz.
My positivity had been popped.
Once again left 3 weeks in a row, one weekend for the Olympics, another weekend supposedly for skiing which I believe ended up just being partying. For which I am SORELY disappointed. All these people telling me they'll support me, saying all these things, and not a lick of follow through. I don't expect people to have to do what I am doing, but don't tell me you are going to do something and then not.

I worry that I am not enough.
Things are descending into chaos and I'm paralyzed and torn in the same go, not knowing what would make me feel less like dying... running away or sticking it out and fighting through... again....

For once it would be great to feel taken care of, like ANYONE in this world really gives a damn.
Sometimes I wonder if the only reason people are around me is to get something from me.
I am not saying any of this trying to get some sort of kind words or to get any response at all. I just don't have anyplace I feel like I can be open anymore. I don't want/need questions. I don't want to dig. I don't need any fucking psychoanalysis. I just need to spew.

Seeing the other side of people can hurt. A lot. People that claim to be closer than anyone, people that claim they only want the best for you etc etc, and then they have such a blatant display of distrust. I just don't know how to react. I'll return your gear, untouched, I wish you hadn't wasted my time and just told me, and the person the stuff belongs to, that you didn't want me touching it. I only needed it fro a few hours. And you couldn't grant me that.

I'm sorry if the disappointment I am feeling makes me want to not be there for you right now.

What I wouldn't give to have that one person reach out to me.
But it's not happening and it's not going to.
Why can't I just run away....

So. Strangest thing. As I finished typing that last line... Two girls I know phoned me together, and sang I just called to say I love you to me over the phone... and all I could do was cry...

Thank you universe.

December 27th, 2009


MMM So far this has been a fairly excellent Christmas.

Christmas dinner... With the help of Eliza & Trina, my turkey was amazing! 18lb turkey, turned out beautifully. Irene got up early and made fresh buttermilk biscuits, and I prepped all the veggies. We started at around 11am, and dinner was served at 6pm. Dinner included: Candied yams, ginger carrots, roasted garlic mashed potatoes, steamed brussels sprouts, cranberry pecan stuffing, and my turkey, roasted long and low with fresh chives, basil, & rosemary, stuffed with onions, garlic, tomatoes & lemon... It was pretty fabulous. It was a true orphans Christmas dinner again, with three of Irene's friends (Dave, Kyle & one other whose name I can't remember), Nathan Kickbush, Francois, Liz, Kris, Irene, & I. When dinner was served, I thought I was going to explode from happiness, a table full of food and appreciate (and starving) people. There are still so many leftovers, and everything turned out so so so so good! All the cookies have since been eaten (thank god, I made like 8 dozen!)

Kris got me a froggy hot water bottle, and a spa thingy, I get a full hour massage and pedi, at this swanky spa out by Courtenay... pretty excited, not going to lie! Irene got me a pair of super badass headphone earrings from Mango, they're so awesome! The zip up I got Kris fits him perfectly, and looks SO good on him! The shoes are a little small, so we're going to try to exchange them today for a pair that fits better. Irene LOVED the two pendants I got her, especially the silver oak leaf one I got... apparently she'd already being eyeing that one up for a while, I didn't even know it! I think it's pretty cool that we know each other so well that choosing gifts for each other is so easy, we know each others fav stores and each others style, even though we're so totally different...

Unfortunately I have my period for the holidays (yay.) and I'm having intense back pain. Which sucks. Hopefully New Years it'll be gone. Hopefully.

Went to work yesterday, boxing day... hahah I was there for an hour, and the store was so prepped, and everyone so well trained and so ready to go that I actually got sent home! I know, how awesome is that. So I got to spend the day cuddling with Kris and watching movies. I even got a ride to and from work from Liz. We stopped at Costco on the way home, and I got to finally buy some good socks. They're really nice. For a change. Fuck I hate buying socks!!!
Went to a movie last night with Kris. We saw "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus", which I thought was amazing. It could have gone longer I thought. But still, def a movie I want to see again, but perhaps on hallucinogens? hahahahahah Itt was good though. Afterwards we went for a walk downtown.. it was a quiet night downtown Victoria, but sooo beautiful. All the lights are so pretty! came home and drank hot chocolate with Creme de Menthe, and played cards for an hour or so, and went to bed. It was lovely :) He's still sleeping (dear lord, 13 hours now?)... I'm wondering if I should make myself some actual food or wait and do brunch with him... Not sure... Regardless...

Things are pretty good. I have some strange thoughts been wandering through my haed, but I'm going to let them lie rest for a while, until after the holidays at least. I think I deserve a break from my brain every once in a while, don't you think?

Sending out lots of love and warm holiday wishes to the whole world.... <3 <3

December 22nd, 2009


Yes. Ok well I realize I haven't updated recently and I should...
I was gone to Courtenay for the weekend... Just didn't have the oomph to post, but here I am..

So the weekend was fantastic. He was allover me all weekend. I've now realized that he's very sensitive and emotional, and his lack of interest in me (physically) has everything to do with him not feeling emotionally connected with me. Which stems from lack of communication.

Last Sunday after his lack of communication for 36 hours... He finally called... And I don't remember what all was said besides me saying that unless he came and sat down and talked to me, it was over. He promptly showed up and we had a blatant discussion. A lot of it was me guiding the talk, since I don't think he really has any idea of what he's doing. I don't think he's been in a real long term relationship since his ex that died, and even then, he was young...

Anyways, this past weekend was really really good. We're on the same page again (mostly). I don't feel like the blind follower I was before everything happened, kind of more determined to follow my own path for now. I don't know where that puts me, and it makes me anxious.. But I'm not going to think about that one too too much. Here and now, right? At least until after the holidays.

Christmas is going to be awesome. Having another orphans dinner on the 25th. Going to cook and bake my ass off, it'll be grand! I'm going to spend a full ten days with Kris, something we haven't done before... And since he canceled his plans for NYE in Vegas, I'll be spending New Years in Courtenay with him. It'll be wonderful :)

Anyways... It's time for me to jump in the shower and get my ass in gear to run errands downtown in prep for Xmas... <3 <3

December 13th, 2009


It's now Sunday. He didn't return calls, he didn't return texts, he didn't come to talk to me.
I guess I wasn't important enough to him to put on his big boy pants and talk to me.

HAHAHA well I sat awake last night thinking...
If we add together the actual time spent together, deducting the time he was away in other places on road trips and out of province, this falls well under the 3 month mark. Which in my mind and my world throws it into the "it didn't really happen" category. Merely a blip on the radar.

So I can continue counting the years of being single. And after this, I am starting to wonder if I am even up to this kind of "relationship". If this is what relationships are like?

Thanks karma, for the reminder. I'm out. Bitterness...? Check.

December 12th, 2009

Some days.

Some days I wonder how it is I am still alive. Why does my heart keep beating and my body still yearn for breath, when every fiber of my being longs to not keep going.


WEll that couldn't have gone more wrong.
I overreacted to something he said, while I was totally drunk..
The night turned into a disaster.
I went home with Ryan. Which apparently was an even worse move.
I waited all day for him. He texted me at 11:30 to say he slept well. I haven't heard from him since. I texted and called. No answer. It's now 5:30. I'm still sitting here. Don't know what to do. Don't feel like sitting here. This is purgatory. At this point I just want some closure if that's what's going to happen. Fuck.

December 10th, 2009

change in the wind?

He's excited to see me.
He said he wants to leave the last weekend we were together behind us.
He said he's ready to talk about it.

Maybe... maybe this is a change. I'm going to let him talk. I just want to be on the same page.

I want... communication.
Am I ready to hear it? yes.
Am I a little scared? a little.

All I know is that he wants to make this work. And I'm willing to give it that chance.

I have set things in motion for my own life, and I have no intention of changing that. I don't know where that leaves things with Kris. I'm going to cross that bridge when the time comes, after all, he's here (on the island) until June 2012. So two and a half years to figure that out, and who knows what will happen in that time.


December 4th, 2009


Everything - 1
Alissa - 0

Shoot me please. How can any one person be so completely daft? Do they CHOOSE to be daft? How much of a shock is this wake-up call going to come as?

I just don't get why I should have to spell every little thing out word for word. Don't you have a brain of your own? Can't you pick up ANYTHING? If I did spell it out for you, word for word, would you even care to hear?

Thank god for backup plans. That's all I gotta say. I hope I'm cheerful enough to go through with it. Or that I'm even going to want to do it. Some days I just suck.

December 2nd, 2009


Thank god that pms shit is over.
Funny thing.
I posted my status on Facebook as "decisions decisions"... nothing more.
He sent me a text message, a message on msn, commented on the status, and then sent me a message to my inbox (FB).. The one he sent to my FB email said "Hey, whats up? Decisions...I am scared. "

I gotta give it to him. He's pretty freaking perceptive when it comes to my head space... across the distance. He doesn't seem to pick it up when I'm around. Maybe he's just become hypersensitive these days. Maybe he's (rightfully) afraid that I'm going to realize that I'm kind of getting the short end of the stick, and I don't have to be...

I guess I just realize that even though I know I'm a bit of an attention whore...
I deserve to be paid some attention!
I deserve to feel like I'm with someone that wants to ravish me all the time! And I deserve to be ravished frequently!
I deserve to be with someone that I feel wants to be with me.
I deserve to be with someone that respects me enough to talk to me about things that are a legitimate concern to me, without making me feel bad for voicing those concerns.

I also realize that I need to wait for him to get back, that the extreme mental anguish I have put myself through the last two weeks is kind of one sided, and jumping the gun, I really just have to wait for him to get back so I can sit down with him face to face, and see what he has to say... or what he does... He'll have had a full month alone to think about things. And he doesn't appear to be burning any bridges as of yet, though it's hard to see him so cooled off towards me.

I don't know. I just have to be patient. I cannot predict the future...

And I know I certainly haven't been clear headed of late.
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